He Drinks Like A Fish
by Jo Z. Pierce
Summary: Hellboy, my blind date with Abe, drinks, and the Blues Brothers. Oh, and a lot of fish jokes. Hellboy won't get off my porch, either. I'll need to call his daddy. Hey, it's all in good fun. Self insert. Dedicated to the fic writer who introduced me to Abe


_A/N: This story was inspired by diehardjavajunkie's "You know what they say contest" - which was a challenge to base the story on a cliche. It is also inspired by a friend's love of Hellboy, and my fascination with the merman. Thanks for introducing me to them!_

_PART II: To my Hellboy & Blues Brothers crossover series. Read "Pops" first. And remember, it's all in good fun. You know a little self-insert never hurt anyone._

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**He Drinks Like a Fish**

**by Jo Z. Pierce**

* * *

"Oh, come on. You have to do this for me!" she begged me, over the phone. "Hellboy and I want to go out, but he's got to get a date for his friend, Abe!"

"What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all!"

"If he needs a blind date, there's always something wrong."

"He's got a great personality..." There was a notable silence over the phone. "And he fights, uh, crime for a living."

"A cop?"

"Well, more into covert operations."

"I dunno. I've got other fish to fry."

She coughed over the phone. It sounded like she was choking.

"We'll just go out for dinner. Maybe a few drinks."

"I don't know," I said, in a drawn out voice. "Something smells fishy about all of this."

"Great! We'll pick you up at eight."

I opened my mouth in protest, but before I could finish, she asked me if I had any rotten eggs lying around the house. I hung up the phone without answering.

* * *

The neighborhood Bar and Gill was crowded, but we squeezed our way in, anyway. Hellboy nudged Abe, as a predetermined signal, and the two couples split. My friend sat on Hellboy's lap, and they watched us on our blind date unfold on the other side of the bar. Abe bought me a drink, and ordered one for himself.

"I don't know if this is really Abe's scene," she whispered over to Hellboy. "He looks like a fish out of water."

"Are you kidding, babe!" Hellboy replied, blowing off her observation. "He drinks like a fish!"

"They look uncomfortable."

"She's just nervous, so he's probably just picking up her thoughts..."

Hellboy looked across the bar, and motioned in Abe's general direction, as if egging him on. He made a few moves as if he was firing a gun or struggling in a big fight. Surprised, Abe jerked his head as he looked at his big red friend. Hellboy was giving him some pointers. Finally, Hellboy nodded. With that cue, Abe closed in on me, and began to tell me some story involving demons. As he got into it, his hands moved like liquid, as if they were cutting through waves. I blushed and smiled widely, my eyes following the fluid movements of the merman.

Hellboy looked over again, and when my head was turned, he caught Abe's eye. Hellboy mouthed the words "Saved the world from certain destruction," again offering Abe some pointers. Abe looked nervous, but then continued on with his story. I flirted with him, as he told another story.

"Way to go, Blue!" Hellboy muttered under his breath. "Now, move in for the kill..."

"What?" his date asked

"He's got her. Hook, line and sinker!"

"You think?"

"Sure thing. All he's gotta do now is reel her in."

They looked across the bar again. The new couple were getting cozy, and we were sitting dangerously close. Beth caught my eye, and patted her nose, signaling that maybe we should meet in the powder room. I excused myself from the bar.

* * *

In the ladies room, my friend turned to me and began the interrogation. "So, how is it going?"

"He's nice. Good sense of humor. Athletic."

"Really?"

"Swim team. And he seems very smart."

"I heard he always was in school."

"And he does show tunes," I added, in a whisper.

"No way!"

"You should hear his Ethel Merman."

"So, was this a good thing?"

"I like him. But I wonder if he's starting to come on strong."

"Why?"

"He accidentally called me Roe."

"Maybe he's just nervous."

"But what if he wants to take me home? I won't know what to say."

"Do you like him?"

"Sure, he's really cute."

"You didn't tell him that, did you?"

"He asked me if he looked good tonight," I said, wondering if I said something wrong.

"You know he was just fishing for compliments."

"It's ok. Afterall, he was the perfect gentleman over dinner," I added. "I can't believe he paid for all of us. Even Hellboy."

"Hellboy slipped him a few hundred bucks before we got there."

"Oh. Well, it was a nice gesture, on Hellboy's part."

"What was?"

"He brought me a fish, and he fed me for a day."

* * *

Meanwhile, out at the bar, Hellboy joined Abe. He patted him on the shoulder, and asked "So, what do you think, Blue?"

"Nice."

"More importantly, what did she think?" Hellboy asked, as he nibbled on his cigar. "You read her, with that psychic thing you do, right?"

"Of course."

"You think you have a chance?"

"It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel."

"Atta boy. Make sure she's got a big fish story, at the end of it."

"Of course," Abe said, stretching his arms out. "She'll have to tell her friends she caught a big one."

* * *

Still in the bathroom, we continued to discuss the merman.

"So, what do you think? Do you need us to chaperone you?" she asked me.

"Maybe."

"Are you nervous he'll hit on you?"

"Oh, it's not that," concern in my voice. "I'm just worried about safe sex, and all. You know what they say about sleeping with the fishes."

"Well, do you want to?"

"Well, sure. I mean, I wouldn't mind. He's hot, in an amphibious sort of way."

"Amphibious?" She was confused by the term in this context.

"I think he's good on land and water. You know, he can go both ways."

* * *

When we finally came out of the bathroom, Hellboy and Abe were standing together. My friend went up to Hellboy and patted him on his big, red shoulder. She gave him a small peck on the cheek.

Hellboy ordered another case. "You want anything?" Hellboy asked, as he started on the beer.

"So ladies," Abe asked, staring at me with his big, black eyes. "What's next on the agenda? How about a tour of your lovely house, Roe, I mean Jo?"

"I never told you about my house, Babe, um, I mean Abe..."

"You didn't have to. And yes, I'd love to get in the jacuzzi with you, too."

I blushed.

"Hey, That sounds good," Hellboy chimed in. "Let's get a couple of kegs, and have a party."

"And maybe some Cheetos. So, it's ok if I take you home?" Abe didn't wait for an answer. He already knew it. "Of course it is."

"Yeah, don't worry," Hellboy added. "Fish Stick here will behave himself, or he'll have to answer to me."

"What do you say? It's time to fish or cut bait."

"I don't know, Abe."

Abe put his hand up, in front me. He smiled, even though his fish lips didn't move.

"Come now. Your lips may say no, but I know what you're really thinking."

* * *

I sat with Abe sat on the porch swing, while Hellboy sat on the concrete steps. She sat in his lap. Hellboy was already on his fourth keg since they got back to me place.

"You know, Hellboy, as much as I like it here, maybe we should head on home..." My friend winked at Hellboy, and Hellboy turned and winked at Abe. Abe turns and winked at me, but having no real eyelids, the whole maneuver was wasted.

As Abe reaches over, and puts his arm around me, he looks around.

"Where is that Jacuzzi you were thinking about..."

As he started to read my mind, a speeding car pulled up in front of the house. The driver, blasting the radio, drove up on the lawn and up to the porch. Two men, dressed in black suits, fedoras, and sunglasses, stumbled out, obviously drunk. The shorter of the two went directly for Hellboy and his keg.

"Hey, how ya doing, Man. I'm Jake. Move over, lemme get some of that."

Hellboy hugged the keg, possessively, then pulled out a gun. A really big gun.

"Aw, come on man. We'll get more," he said pulling out a cigarette and a lighting it with his zippo lighter.

Hellboy's eyes lit up. "Hey, don't I know you? From the Fanlfiction Temp Agency?" The two friends were reunited, and quickly began drinking together. Hellboy sat back, with a beer in one hand (the big one) and his date in the other.

Meanwhile, the driver of the car approached us on the swing.

"Pffft! What's going on here? Who's this guy?"

"Listen, Elwood, when you stood me up last week, I told you there were other fish in the sea."

"But geez, he's really a fish."

"Technically, I'm a merman. And technically, I'm the one still on this date..."

"Come on," Elwood asked me, with a surprised voice. "Don't you want a real man?"

"I need a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

* * *

Tired, I stumbled out to the porch, and picked up three newspapers, still rolled up and unread. There was a terrible stench in the air.

"Whew! What is that?" I looked around to find the source, but all I could see were dozens of empty beer kegs, cigarette butts, cigar nubs, and an old police car scattered throughout the lawn. I turned around and saw Abe in the door, in black short trousers, and nothing else.

"Did you get your bath, Abe?"

"Yes, my little Sushi. It was wonderful."

"Good. You know what they say. Houseguests and fish stink after three days."

"Has it been three days? I didn't think you'd notice..."

"I didn't. But the newspapers..." I was sad, knowing it would soon end. "Are you sure you have to be going."

"Someone has to save the world from demons and destruction. Speaking of which," Abe said, surveying the lawn. "Where is Hellboy?"

With that, there was a moan and a grumble from below. We walked around to the side, and looked under the porch. There we saw Jake, Elwood, and Hellboy, passed out. I blushed, as she noticed that Hellboy was, even unconscious, holding onto a skirt. I wondered how my friend made it home without it.

She was nowhere to be found.

"I can call them a cab," Abe offered.

"Oh, it's ok. They can sleep it off here," I said, stars still in my eyes.

"Well, if not," Abe said, jotting something on a pad of paper. "Here's a phone number for Trevor Bruttenholm."

"Oh, thank you, Abe," I said, leaning over and kissing Abe's behind his gills. It was where he liked it. "But I am sure they'll be gone by the morning."


End file.
